when i created this page, i was a very different person. Can you believe it has alredy been two years since my last update? today, i suddenly remembered i had this page, and as i had forgotten most of its contents i started to explore around. suddenly, i landed in my photo section. with each picture i saw, i got transported to that moment once again. i've battled depression my whole life. i've gone from one moment to the next feeling tortured although i know that i have every reason to be happy beyond belief. and yet, when i looked at those pictures, i could only remember the happiness within them. i could only feel the happiness again.
i don´t have those shoes anymore, or that dress. they both succumbed to the wrath of my constant use. but it feels as if it was yesterday. i spent so much time wishing to move forward, to evaporate and rematerialize at a dream-like future: just a little bit free-er, more successful, happier. for real this time, if i get what i want. i promise i will, and when i do, when i place the missing panacea in place and the puzzle will be complete and finally... i will be satisfied.
i am equal parts lucky and cursed: somehow i always get what i want and i still end up dissatisfied, wanting for something more, a little beeter. if only it was a little different then i would surely be happy. but things can only be what they are, and no matter how shiny, i would find the spec of dust that ruins the shine, ignoring the million starlit facets and the fact that i'm not dirtless myself.
it was only after being away that i realized how much one can miss their family. i know it's part of growing up, and i know that living in japan was a dream i held for so long, and yet being away i would miss my family every night. as i lay in my tatami floor, i wished to be there with my sister when she would play xbox the whole day, without allowing anyone else to watch anything else. i missed my dad, always on a work call and always on a rush, and the mess they both made; my kitchen in japan was as spotless as i had always wished for it to be, and somehow i yearned for the sink to be full. my dad and my sister have never been known for their cleanliness and i always gave them such a hard time for it, how ironic that the reason why we clashed so much would also become the reason i felt such unbearable loneliness. and how ironic that a dream they helped me achieve hurt because of their absence, because of their presence somewhere so far away i couldn't reach. my dad said the longing was normal, a growing pain to be felt as a sign of growing up. i live abroad, although not in japan anymore, but i feel no more older, no more wiser. and i still miss them. i think i will never fully grow up and i will always need my dad, i think that there are corners in my sould that only my sisters can reach.
i've come a long way, both in ways i wanted and ways i didn't. i lived and studied in japan for a year, a lifelong dream, and got to know both the best and the worst of it: lived frugally to prove myself and the world that i could do it alone. and i learned so many wonderful things, met so many people and lived so much. my life changed to become unrecognizable over and over again in the time between my last login and now. i never expected to live in the place i live in now. i don't have a career anymore: in a few years, AI decimated all demand for my field, whatever was left of it after surely does not hire in my location, at least at the moment. but i lead a beautiful life. i can do my art, practice, and paint. i have seen so much of the world and i'm only 25, if mentioned out loud, this number makes me feel wasted and rotten, as has-been in constant decline. but i'm not. i'm just on a different path. i fight myself regarding my experiences, what I have seen and done in lieu of grinding at the office. just because they happened to me doesn't make them any less amazing. i just need to learn how to communicate them well.
i lead a beautiful life and still i battle terrible feelings. i'm getting better at holding on to the good parts of my everyday, at looking for the shine even in a room completely dulled by dust. if you look hard enough, there is always a spark.
see you in the next one (hopefully soon),
mahou
